Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Dancing as Fast as I Can

If I ever thought that getting older would not make much difference in my life, I was crazy. Still working a full-time schedule, I drag-ass my sorry self home in the afternoons wanting nothing more than to pry my eyes open with a coffee spoon and locate a soft place to land. While the infamous afternoon slump has always been with me, it is now more like a collapse; I am grateful for any opportunity for recovery so that my evenings are not wasted. Maybe TWO coffees.

I have not written much poetry lately either, and thinking about it, I can see that when I am in production mode, as opposed to development mode, I just don't have time to veer from the vision, take my eyes off the prize, relax my focus. This is the part that is harder now, to go up to my office in the evening and do whatever needs to be done to forward my personal goals, to invest energy that is no longer abundant (indeed, I need to hoard it!) in a business plan for which I have had very little reward or even feedback. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it is a thankless task and I want a drink, and I deserve it, and what the hell!

But in my quiet moments (when I have not fallen asleep) I come back every time to one of life's most important lessons for me, that if I don't do my very best and I fail at whatever the task, then I am eternally second guessing myself. I will have no peace. If only I had. . . maybe if I could. . .what if I tried. . .  And I have failed so many projects that this lesson has been carved on my soul, emblazoned on my metaphorical forehead like the scar of a whip - Do Your Best.

I have taken some ribbing for my need to be busy toward a goal - I missed Woodstock because I had to go to work and my friends drove off without me. My daughter thinks I need a vacation. Silver Fox thinks I need medication:) But I know what is true for me, and I know that if you want dreams to happen there is always stuff to do.  So I drink that caffeine and climb the stairs one step at a time to do all I can, to think everything I can, to do the best job I know how to do.

It will save me in the end.

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