Getting old is indeed a bitch, and I am trying very hard
to find where the real positives are. As I get more aches
and pains in the body that once didn’t have hardly any, it is easy to focus on
the losses rather than the gains. There is no doubt that I have lost physical power, dexterity,
flexibility, and strength, and with those the ability to keep up repairs and housework on the home
that I love, move stuff around inside and out to accommodate my
many interests, care for two dogs bigger than my
grown children, and a whole host of activities with which I have been happy for
many many years. I have spent the last 10 years
dealing with this trajectory and it is easy to see how much work and attention
it will take to cope in the future, but my point here is, what else is going
on that is on the positive side?
A few years back I was feeling that losing my
power as the female head of family, the one who did dinners and parties and
made arrangements for all ritual, was a big loss. A tragedy even. At age 60 I still needed dinner
service for 12, a drawer full of tablecloths, another of napkins, and a
cupboard full of candleabra and vase choices. I am getting over it. Today the thought of a formal meal
for 12 is not impossible, but it is not a happy one. And I see that the inability to physically accommodate that
kind of party has freed me from the NEED to have that kind of party. Big dinners were once a great pleasure for
me, but the pleasure of NOT
having that kind of party has taken me over. If I must feed that many people, it will be a pot luck and paper plates! The hard work
of cleaning, prepping, cooking, serving, and clearing up is too much for me now and I joyfully avoid it.
Others joys I have found include:
Less patience with putting myself third. I have always had plenty of energy and could take
care of everyone else without completely abandoning my own needs.
Separate vacations, business of my own, back to school after kids, etc.
But I still FIRST ran the household and met everyone else’s needs. I got my
leftover time. While it is still a struggle, I try very hard now to schedule me first. Selfishness has become a virtue.
Greater appreciation for the many many skills I have
developed over the long run of years.
There seems to be nothing that I want to do now that I have not already
practiced or at least become familiar with. A lifetime of experimentation has now to be replaced with choices that are probably my last big ones
– at my age there are no longer any Mulligans. While that is scary for me, I find I am comfortable with looking at the
wonderful array of skills I have developed that are open to me for
future happiness. This is a place that a
younger person could never be; it speaks of accomplishment and future goals at the
same time.
Increasing commitment to friends. My family
are all busy with their own growth and futures and I am relegated to whatever
place they have already put me in their lives anyway. They probably won’t notice a slight
withdrawal from me nearly as much as I will, and my friends have things in
common with me that support my future in a way my family do not. I see travel and adult companionship in my future.
The second part of this is that as we begin to fail, there
will be increasing sickness and death. I can ignore this and stick my head into the
youth and business of my family, or I can help my friends as much as I can,
stand by as they need me. That means more phone calls and cards and
letters and packages and visits. Anyone who
still has her mind can attend others in this way, and although it is
bittersweet, it is righteous.
Confidence in my own opinion across a whole range of issues, including my health. We are so used to going to experts for advice about every little thing that it has taken a while to understand that the answers I have sought from them are very often confused and more than occasionally flat out wrong. What I think counts double now, as I am in this body and I know it better than anyone.
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